{20} A difficult time in your life

A difficult time in my life

(This may be too much information for some people)

My due date was June 7th, 2012...

yep, that is {two} days away.

Right now I should be holding a brand new baby in my arms.

Instead, I have a little hole in my heart.

Last Summer Travis and I decided that once Tyler hit the year mark I would get off birth control.

At the end of August I forgot to get my pills refilled, so we just decided that

we'd let it be and just see what happens.

Well, you know what happens. :)

When I first took a test it was negative.

So a few days later I took another. Negative again.

I tossed the test on the counter and we headed out for a birthday party.

When we got home that afternoon, I picked up the test and saw a 2nd line.

I showed Travis and he didn't really believe me. (Like always!) 

Then next morning I took another test and while the 2nd line was faint, 

if you've ever tried to conceive, you know a line is a line! 

I called the Dr. that next week and they had me do a blood test.

The nurse called that afternoon to tell me my beta's were really low, 

but it was positive and they wanted me to come back the next week for another test 

to make sure the numbers were doubling. 

That weekend we went to Travis' moms and told her and we told his sisters.

Then the next day we told my parents and sister in law.

My sister already knew. 

Then on Sunday night I had gone to the bathroom after something felt not right.

And things were for sure, not right. 

There was the bright red I was dreading seeing.

It wasn't a lot but I told Travis. 

I knew that bleeding can be normal for some people so I tried not to freak out, 

but I felt that it was not good.

I tried to get some rest and woke up around 4 am with immense cramping

and a lot more blood. 

I called the on call Dr at my OB office and she told me that while it doesn't always mean

miscarriage, it didn't sound good. But at this point there is nothing really they could do but wait.

She told me to call back after the office opened so they could order labs for blood work.

In the morning I went and got my labs done and when the nurse called me she let me know

that while my numbers were higher than when I got my positive test, 

they were no where near where they should be at this point.

She was sorry, but I was miscarrying.

It was awful. 

I have been through some hard times in my life,

but I had never felt so helpless. All I wanted to do was cry.

I kept thinking of this little baby I was carrying

and there was nothing I could do to save it.

After the baby passed, I felt so empty. 

I could never have imagined how terrible that situation would feel

until that moment when I was in it, and nothing could console me. 

 

I really have not talked about this with many people. 

In fact, outside of my family only one person knew before this moment.

While I know I didn't do anything wrong. And I know I couldn't have done 

anything to stop it from happening, I still questioned everything.

Did Tyler kick my stomach while I was changing him? Did I lean over the crib too hard,

every.little.thing was questioned. 

This is something that happens so often. More times than not you just don't realize it.

But if it happens to you, understand it's nothing to be ashamed of. 

And it wasn't your fault.